I had a long conversation with Julian yesterday and we went from “I want to go to bed and not wake up tomorrow.” to “Things aren’t so bad anymore now.” It’s weird how you think you understand your own life so well and nobody else ever could, and then you talk to someone and mention a thought and suddenly you notice that it doesn’t make much sense, that you were wrong all that time. You talk about it and you discover new aspects and it seems like every word, every feeling, every situation is floating in the air at that very moment, only waiting to be put together, and there’s a million ways they can end up although when you got up in the morning you thought you had no choice at all.
I don’t quite understand why we have this addiction to saying things we know will make others feel bad when we could just think about it for a moment and phrase it differently. Instead we continually hurt those we love with only a few words, and get hurt so often along the way. You would think things would get easier the better you get to know someone, but the truth is every little insecurity, every peculiarity can be used against you, without even having the intention to.
This is a weird time right now, there are those people who I miss when they’re not there, sitting right next to me, and all we do is talk vaguely about our lives, actually yearning for a fulfillment we all used to have. I sometimes think back to the ‘happy days’, when we first became friends and everything we did together was fun and we didn’t have to worry so much although I must admit that I still did. We just like to forget about that I guess.
Yesterday I’ve learned that it’s okay to say you’re a little lost. Because that’s what I am. I’m okay, but I’m not at the same time. If you just say it out loud you’ll notice that it’s actually true and that it’s not one of those states people randomly get in. I’ve been better before, but I now know that it’s okay the way it is. There was someone sitting next to me listening to what I had to say, actually understanding for once, and I noticed that things aren’t so bad anymore when you don’t keep your problems for yourself. It might make you feel weak to give in and admit that you’re a procrastinator and that it’s your own fault you’re feeling that way, that it’s hard for you to see everyone around you move on while every other week you notice that time is still passing no matter what. But it’s better than not having a fucking clue what your feelings are actually about.
When I went to bed last night, I had a thought that’s been coming back to me every once in a while for the past years. It is that comforting thought of hitting rock bottom, but at the same time that when we just keep sitting in my car a little longer, talking about it for another minute, understanding the other a bit better, knowing that it is possible and the right thing to do, that everything can only get better in the end.
